Watch me follow him.

Nothing satisfies like him.

It’s been over 3 months since I started noticing all God’s blessings in my life. Ever since, I can’t stop the gratitude from pouring out of me just about every day. Now that I can see all the blessings, I can’t quite understand all the grace.

What baffles me even more? The blessings don’t quench my thirst for Him. The blessings remind me that he loves me, show me that he forgives me new every day, and are proof that he looks out for my good and benefit. However, the wonderful things he gives me still don’t make me feel whole. At the end of the day, no matter how much extra money I have in the bank, what precious gifts Ruben has given me, what restaurants I ate at last night, what a great family I have, what a good day I had at work, and what prayers have been answered, if I haven’t talked to God and heard his voice yet, it’s really not worth anything.

If I haven’t spent a second remembering that he wants to be an active part of my life, and wants to use me in his kingdom, I don’t really feel all that happy.

What Have I Learned About God This Year?

That grace is overwhelming, and the past shouldn’t matter. That God doesn’t keep a list of requirements to meet in order for me to receive love. That I don’t deserve anything I’ve been given.

The past may only have been last month, last week or yesterday, but what makes it the past is that its over. I got caught in a mindset that told me that even though the past already happened, it was still tied to my present. I couldn’t let go completely. How could I when [I thought] everything I did was influenced by what happened last month, last week and yesterday?

My choices from the past naturally affect my life today. I get that. But only to the extent that I let them. God has given me the most extraordinary blessing. I can only enjoy it to the fullest when I am refusing to believe that I am that hopeless and pathetic. That’s not who I was made to be. I don’t want to forget that Nov-Jan ever happened, because I learned so much. But that’s not who I am. That season was measures less than who I was made to be; it doesn’t reflect anything about me except that I need Jesus.

Sometimes I feel so undeserving of the things God has given me in the past 2 months. I think about what mistakes I’ve made, who I’ve hurt, and what kind of person I see reflected in my actions. The cover of Christ covers all that. It’s almost like God didn’t notice the way I was acting and gave me good gifts anyway. That’s not true though. He DID notice how I was acting. He saw everything. He gave me hope and a second chance anyway. He gave me someone who can encourage me with the truth of how much God loves me. How undeserving I am.

What Have I Tried This Month?

Am I Proud of the Life I’m Living?

It depends who I’m around. If I think they approve, then yeah I feel proud. And if I think they’ll be disappointed or disgusted, then I feel like a failure. That doesn’t answer the question does it? When I’m alone, driving in the car, or grocery shopping at 4am cuz I feel like it, what do I think of myself?

I am PROUD that I’m trying to stop caring what people think. As a Christian, I think it’s inconsiderate to never care about how other people react to you. The difference depends on the person. The way my father thinks about me, should be loads more important than what an acquaintance thinks.

I’m also PROUD that I’m learning more about myself. Things I never would have figured out or known to ask someone about are making sense. I’m starting to understand myself and the way I work a little bit more. I value that. I’ve met some people that do not have a clue who they are.

I’m PROUD that my “loneliness” is driving me to do things I genuinely enjoy. I made a list of things I actually want to accomplish, and qualities I want to embody. I’m turning the list into reality. That makes me feel so much better than any quick, fake fix could.

I’m PROUD that I’m not pretending anymore. I’m not denying my faith; rather I’m acknowledging that it needs some reviewing. Is God big enough to handle me exactly the way I am? Can he handle the ways I’m changing and the questions I have? I think he is.

I’m NOT proud that some people think I’m someone that I’m not. I’m NOT proud that I’ve disappointed several people important to me. I’m NOT proud that I had to hurt MNN and force him to live a new life that he didn’t ask for. I’m NOT proud that I still have trouble with true, raw security in myself. That’s not who I wanted to be.

This phase of life…

What the heck am I doing?! I’m up at 5:40 am dreaming, that’s what. I couldn’t sleep and have been trying to pass the time and make myself tired for the past 6 hours. I’m starting to get there. BUT I’m here for something much more significant than passing time.

As some of you know, I’m in a shitty phase right now. I’m numb to most feelings, and I’m doing things I shouldn’t to remind myself that those pleasure centers in the brain still work. My pain centers are still a little damaged; I don’t feel much remorse or sadness. Anger is one feeling that hasn’t really faded. It still comes on stronger than ever.

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking so much about myself. Is this lifestyle really what I want? Why am I acting like I don’t care? How can I get myself where I want to be. 

I was reading the blog from RELEVANT mag titled, 11 Things To Know at 25(ish). I’m only 22, but my guess is that the things listed don’t happen overnight. If I want to become Someone, I need to start trying. It won’t happen by itself. The article ends with several questions to ask ourselves that probe into our satisfaction with who we’ve become. They are deep questions and I decided that I want to answer them. Here. On the blog. 

The first question, Am I Proud of the Life I’m Living? will be answered in my next post. Cuz I gotta think about that one. Realll hard.

Homeless

I have encountered so many homeless people without even looking for them. I was just thinking about the many faces, some names, and a couple stories I’ve heard. I’ve seen them beg for money, even demand it. I’ve seen them sing for money. I’ve seen them just holding a sign and avoiding eye contact. I’ve seen them curse you if you try to give them food.

In the beginning of the project, I was having a hard time opening my heart towards them. I’ve opened my heart before. I’ve imagined their pain and tried to guess their stories. But I was a little scared that if I kept my heart open, I would hurt too much. This is my 3rd urban project in NYC. It’s easy to make our hearts hard in order to protect ourselves from the despair around us.

I was walking with 2 friends a couple days ago and ran across Brandy on the sidewalk. It was a hot, sunny day; I couldn’t wait to get back inside. She was holding a sign that said she would accept anything. I told her I had a granola bar and she seemed very grateful. As I walked away feeling proud of myself for caring, I realized that I had so much more I could give her. I gave a granola bar! How much more have I been blessed with? All my needs are met, and I have a savior. Why did I feel so proud for pitying a woman with a beautiful smile (in spite of her jagged, crooked teeth) and giving her the least I could afford. I wanted to go back but I waited. When I went back with two juice boxes, she was gone.

There was the man just a few hours ago with sneakers so dirty and split open that I couldn’t imagine what good they were doing on his feet. His hands were blackened. He was unshaven and all his clothes were dirty and hanging off his frame. He carried random food items that people had given him as he hopped from train car to car. What shocked me was that there was nothing he refused. Several of us had bags of nuts that we got from meeting with Kenneth Cole. No matter how few nuts were in any of the bags, he accepted it.

I could go on and on! My heart will forever ache when I see someone who has to beg. My cheeks will get red every time I see the crowd avoid his gaze.

I read in my pastors blog a few days ago about the sins of Sodom and Gommorah. Most people remember these cities sins of inexcusable sexual immorality. But do you know what the Bible says about them?

“‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen. NIV

Let’s not be guilty of looking the other way.

A bright moment.

Mike and I were walking from train to train, platform to platform, for what seemed like forever. We were going from the Bronx to Queens and its a long ride. As we ascended to a different platform on the escalator I heard another subway performer. There’s so many of them; some brighten my day and some make me shake my head and wonder how desperate someone must be to humiliate themselves in front of a crowd. This was an inspiring performance. There was a man (maybe Bolivian) playing a flute with lots of wooden tubes that I have seen in Bolivia. I recognized the tune. It was Breathe by Michael W. Smith.

this is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

this is my daily bread 
Your very word spoken to me

And I, I’m desperate for you
And I, I’m I’m lost without you

It’s one of my favorite worship songs because the words and tune are so simple, yet they signify a really deep longing for God and how He fills us. The flute filled the whole platform and sounded pure and clean. I was so grateful for him playing that song at that moment. I went over to talk to him. I would say that we blessed each others day.

It made me so happy. God’s presence is everywhere and He is always willing to reveal himself to us when we pay attention.

Psalm 23:1-4

In my own words, as I struggle to give things over to God.

The Lord is my guide; therefore I have everything I need.

He will give me the rest I need and lead me towards times of peace. 

He will give me strength when I have none.

He will take me along paths He has set out for me, paths that will glorify His name.

Even when a spirit of despair is all I feel, I won’t lose hope because He is right here next to me.